


i am so often alone (i am the subject i know best)

by Dontfloatthe100



Category: The Pinkertons (TV)
Genre: F/M, Grief/Mourning, Kate-Centric, Post Episode 22
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-08
Updated: 2017-02-08
Packaged: 2018-09-22 20:27:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9624128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dontfloatthe100/pseuds/Dontfloatthe100
Summary: "Detective William Pinkerton died early Tuesday morning from a wound sustained during a duel with infamous train robber and bushwacker, Jesse James. He is survived by his father, mother, and brother, and his partner, Kate Warne."





	

**Author's Note:**

> I cried writing this.

_"Sigo mal, y seguiré peor, pero voy aprendiendo a estar sola y eso ya es una ventaja y un pequeño triunfo."_  
  
  
  
  
  
"Detective William Pinkerton died early Tuesday morning from a wound sustained during a duel with infamous train robber and bushwacker, Jesse James. He is survived by his father, mother, and brother, and his partner, Kate Warne."  
  
Kate tosses the paper in the wastebasket.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Ask her about her relationship with her husband's brother," she hears Will's voice whisper in her ear.  
  
"I was just about to," she says through gritted teeth.  
  
"Who are you talking to?" the confused, teary-eyed widow asks.   
  
Kate shakes her head. "No one. Now about your brother in law..."  
  
  
  
  
  
The Dubois is haunted for her now, but she still goes for a drink every weekend.   
  
Annalee has dark circles under her eyes, and she looks thinner than usual. Kate doesn't mention it, just asks for a whiskey and tries to forget that that's what Will always ordered. Annalee gives her a sad smile whenever she walks in, and it sickens her.   
  
Annalee refuses to rent out Will's room, and his things are still there. His waistcoats and his hair pomade and the pocket watch that Kate gave him for his birthday.  
  
**Maybe now you'll show up to work on time.**  
 **-K. Warne**  
  
She remembers how Will laughed when he saw it and how he got into the habit of running his fingers over the inscription, making that part of the metal shinier than the rest of the watch. Some part of her longed to run her fingers over it like he used to. Another, stronger part of her couldn't even make it to the stairs.   
  
  
  
  
  
Allan leaves soon after Will's death. He says that his wife needs him. Kate understands, and she walks him to the train station. Some part of her feels like part of Will is leaving with him, and she fights the urge to run after the train and call out for it to stop. She doesn't though, and she only regrets it a little bit.  
  
  
  
  
  
She is never given a new partner. It's fine though. She remembers what it was like to work alone. The world is a battlefield again, and she's a spy in enemy territory.   
  
She forgot what war felt like until now.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Can you do me a favor, Kate," Will says.  
  
"What is it?" Kate asks.  
  
"Take Miss Angelica out dancing for me. I promised her we'd go," Will says with a smirk.   
  
"Not a chance in hell, Pinkerton," Kate says. She reaches over to slap his arm, but she finds that her hand goes right through it.  
  
Kate wakes up screaming.   
  
  
  
  
  
Mrs. James invites Kate over for tea and apologies. Kate forgives her, and finds it easy to do. Easier than forgetting, easier than remembering.   
  
  
  
  
  
Kate walks into her house and stares at Will's empty chair. It looks so small now, like it could never fit Will's expanse. Will was the kind of person who could fill up any space he occupied, but always remembered to leave some room for you.   
  
_You left too much room this time, Will. Please come fill it again._  
  
  
  
  
  
Kenji tells Kate that Will loved her. She realizes that now. She wishes Will had been the one to tell her.   
  
  
  
  
  
John comes inside to talk to her more than ever. He laughs with her and they tell stories about Will more often than not. Being alone feels better when you have help from your friends.  
  
  
  
  
  
Kate does things for herself now, and tries to fill up the empty space that Will left. Kate learns chess, and she can almost hear Will teasing her for it. Almost.   
  
She hasn't heard Will's voice in her ear in months.  
  
  
  
  
  
She goes to see every play that comes into town, and every side show, and every charity event. She feels Will in all of them.   
  
His chair still sits empty at her dining room table, and his watch joins the rest of her jewelry in her polished wooden box. His waistcoats join her dresses in her closet and his hair pomade sits quietly next to her bobby pins.   
  
She sleeps easier now than she has in weeks.  
  
  
  
  
  
"I have to go now, Kate," Will says, and she can already feel him fading.  
  
"I understand, Will."

"I would've married you, you know? I wanted a life with you."  
  
"Will, I know. I think some part of me wanted that too."  
  
Will lifts a hand rest on her cheek, and touches their foreheads together. Kate feels his steady breaths become lighter and lighter against her cheeks. Kate reaches out to take his hand for the last time before he fades into mist.   
  
Her dream fades to nothingness and she feels content.  
  
  
  
  
  
_(I'm still bad, and I will continue to be worse, but I'm learning to be alone and that's an advantage and a little triumph.)_  
 _-Frida Kahlo_


End file.
